Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in Jenny's LiveJournal:

Thursday, February 12th, 2009
2:45 pm	This is an Email I wrote today to my friend Kara - Im copying & pasting it here for y'all ♥ Hi sweetie.   Im doing okay, I guess. I am so worn out. Working full time at a VERY high volume law office on top of it being Tax Season so its extra crazy. Plus taking care of Lexi all on my own full time since Chris has been out of town for over a month. He's been back like 3 days during that time then has been gone again this week. He acts like I shouldnt be tired at all and that I have it easy. I do count my blessings.... but I do SO MUCH for my Family and our home.... on top of being PREGNANT. He does not appreciate it. He will say little things every once and a while - mainly if I ask or encourage it -but he does not show it thru thoughtful actions at all.   I asked him to treat me to a movie ("Coraline") last weekend while he was here and he failed to do that even though he told me he would take me.   I just am thinking so much about everything. About how much I have done since we've been here. About how much I have faced and how strong and awesome I have been. He absolutely does not have the ability to see it all whatsoever. I feel discouraged because I feel like there is little to no hope of him ever realizing how lucky he has been and how lucky is especially is to still have me.   I love him alot - and I believe he loves me - but I dont believe he is capable of deep, true love. A love that is full of respect, empathy and endurance.   I have told him we are both going to have to do whatever it takes to be sure this relationship lasts.   But the truth is that I say that in order to try to motivate him to see the light.   I honestly don't think Im doing anything wrong nor having any shortcomings where our relationship is concerned - I think Im way overextended emotionally and physically and already am doing way too much.   I am not here to just be at home with the kids while he does whatever he wants.   I will not continue to put up with the strip club shit nor the drunkenness and blowing $ on either.   It may end up him losing me, eventually losing his mind then hopefully coming to his senses to realize what a fool he has been. He is not even close to realizing it right now. His denial is so deep and sociopathic that he truly feels I am overreacting, which I and all my loved ones know if anything I am UNDERREACTING. and have for months and months now.   I am feeling super well, physically - the baby has a super strong, healthy heartbeat. I keep praying he/she will be okay. I definitely don't need any extra stress. If Chris disrespects me by causing me undue stress then I will do whatever I have to.   He says he loves this baby and is so happy to be having  a child with me and that we will be together "forever" - but constrast that with the majority of his inconsistent actions (resulting from his convoluted priorities) and its like "really?"   I know I am an amazing woman Kara. I have surprised myself so much since being here in Iowa. Ive been an amazing woman to him, an amazing nurturer and caretaker and friend. Ive taken amazing care of Lexi. I feel so good about myself and it would be such a miracle for him to have an epiphany and realize what he has. and what he could lose.   I basically need a miracle where Chris is concerned.   The rest of it I have total faith - I know I am going to be okay - and have everything I need within myself. and I have wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family to back me up.     Being in a rural area with no friends and how alone I have been - considering all that and all that I have done and endured and how strong, stable and consistent I have been - is a test that Im not sure many people would ace.   Chris moved here to "change" and live a better life. And he has done that somewhat. But not nearly as much as I imagined nor nearly what I need in order to be happy and/or feel like our relationship and homelife is totally healthy.   He also expects a pregnant woman to have no complaints, extra emotions, talk about what shes going through much, have any extra needs, etc. Basically he wants me to carry on just like Im not pregnant. I tell him I am not a robot. I am a human being and a true woman.     I love you. And I love you so much for checking in on me. You always have been and always are gonna be my best of best friends.   Please tell me about YOU. I feel like Im being really self absorbed writing so much about myself.   xoxox J (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
12:14 pm	To all my ladies: Things are going well. Work is hectic as usual and Chris is gone his final week (will be back Thursday night) so its been pretty tiring taking care of Lexi all on my own. This will make the 4th week he's been gone - home for 2 days during all that time. Whew! A really cool nurse gave me a free ultrasound the other day which was amazing. The little bebe has a super strong heartbeat which is awesome. I am only 6 wks 3 days which is still sooooo early on. But so far things seem good. I swear my boobs already look huge. Haha! But I have had NO morning sickness - can I actually continue to stay so lucky?? The bitter weather has disapated for now which has been really nice. Im sooo looking forward to Spring - mainly to sunshine and planting things. Lexi really wants to see things grow and I want to try to do alot of container planting on our deck. Our landlord is picky and won't let me plow a garden - not even a small, raised one - so Im going to have to stick to growing things out of containers this year. But that's okay. We can grow flowers, plants, tomatoes, peppers, etc. Any other ideas? Pass them along to me. Whitney, speak up! Im filing papers this week to get Chris assigned as primary custodial parent of Lexi. Im afraid that with me expecting this baby her Mom might get it in her head to try to have Lexi come live with her. And that is NOT going to happen. Its time to get things secure on paper and with the Court. Lexi is being really sweet. She leaves me little notes and although they are super thoughtful they are really funny more than anything. She's real excited to have a sibling and she's all about telling me to EAT and SLEEP, etc. I wonder if her excitement will last or if she'll start being skeptical, insecure, etc. But so far so good. I love reading y'alls posts but I wish you would post even MORE! I like reading them at night when things are quiet and its fun to hear what is going on with you guys. Even when you write about tough times - which we all have - it still makes me feel good to be connected with friends. I still haven't really made any here in Iowa yet! I can't say I totally try but I AM a bit limited out here in the country. There aren't alot of people and/or opportunity to meet new people. But its okay; for now at least. LOVE YOU ALL. xoxox J (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
1:08 pm	RUBEEJEN@YAHOO.COM (1 Comment |Comment on this)